#InfertilityNotATaboo : A woman is 'COMPLETE' even if she is not a mother

Though we both were in the same department, I hardly knew much about Shreya, except that she was a 32-year old marketing head. I guess we were so engrossed in our office work that we hardly got a chance to discuss anything beyond files and meetings.

I’d always thought that she had everything: A lucrative corporate job, high salary package, and a handsome husband. Recently, she invited all of us at her new posh home. Everything was perfect, or so I thought so! But something happened one day....

We all were having great fun at the office Diwali party as after all we got a huge bonus and (good) gifts. As I got up to get one more rasgulla, the HR came to announce the three extra Diwali holidays! It was like a bonanza for us and coming from our workaholic and snobby boss, it was unbelievable. I got so excited that I put two extra rasgullas on my plate (or I made people believed that it was “this” reason that I decided to eat more).

I was searching for a chair where I could sit and eat my food peacefully when suddenly I found Shreya standing in a corner. I did not know what made me go there and talk to her, but my feet suddenly started walking towards her. It could because she was the only person in this party who was not happy.

“Hey Shreya, try this rasgulla it so yum”- I wanted to cheer her but what followed next was what I did not expect. She suddenly burst into tears. Startled, I tried to pacify her and took her to a secluded place, and when she felt a little better, she poured her heart out to me.

Everything was fantastic and going great in her life, except for the one thing... she was not getting pregnant.

For me, she was my role model who always had solutions to any business problem. But somehow I did not realise that she was also a normal person, who was married and dealing with the infertility problem like any other lady.

Shreya told me that she and her husband had been trying for a baby for the last one year, but nothing had happened. They also consulted doctors but all in vain. And so, while everything was going well in the life, this thing was certainly not. And this one thing that was what they desired for more than anything else.

Source: pregnancywellnesstips.com/

“I can’t think of anything else, except babies,” she said. “I would be sitting in an office meeting, but I would be thinking about babies only. I remember once I was at a marriage function when one of the guests innocently asked me to suggest some good schools for her kids. As I was so much successful on a professional front, she wanted my ‘expert’ advice and keen to know in which school ‘my child’ goes. But when I told her that I did not have a child she smiled and said, you are so lucky that you don’t have to take such tensions. I gritted my teeth and smiled at her and then came back to home and cried for three hours. I desperately wanted to tell her that these ‘tensions’ I would love to take!”

I felt so bad for her but then suddenly something shook my senses. I unintentionally also did the same with her in the past when I showed some cute girl dresses online and asked her to help me in choosing the one for my daughter. Without any hesitation, she helped me but now I felt how much painful it was for her.

I was taken aback— here I had worked next to this highly successful young woman who was going through a tough time. We’d casually chatted on every topic, and I had this feeling that her life was perfectly normal. But it was not true. Deep down she was feeling miserable and just hiding it well. And then one day when everyone was happy, she could not keep it to herself and poured it out and that too someone who was her junior.

At first, I did not know what to say to her. Ironically, I always found her persona intimidated. Next to such a successful career woman, I always found myself as an ordinary office going mother. Little did I know that it was what I had that she valued the most. 

I was travelling in my thoughts, when suddenly Shreya said that her mother-in-law wanted her to take to a pundit to know when she will become pregnant. It was a shock for me. A highly educated girl like Shreya believed in all these things. But why you wanted to go there? And she replied, “I think this pundit will help me.” On prodded further, she said her mother-in-law had threatened her that she would get her son remarried if she doesn't give her 'vaaris'.  

I wanted to yell at Shreya and warned her asked this superstitions but I could not mustered the courage to do so. My conscience did not allow me. She was only trying to save her marriage. I was victimised by the same mindset when even after the five years of marriage, I was childless. At that time, my mother-in-law took me to some temple in our village where she asked me to stand in the holy river, behind the temple. It is believed that if you stand there for a night, Devi Maa will bless you with a child. I was standing there helpless throughout the night and praying for a child, while my husband was sitting at home comfortably and watching India and Pakistan match. Ironically, my daughter ‘pari’ came into my life exactly after a year. I knew it was not because of Devi Maa but my mother-in-law was happy as she ‘won’. I did what my mother- in- law asked me to do so now I have no right to say anything to people who believe in these superstitions.

Now I have a girl child, my mother in law wants the next child to be a boy, so she has asked me to keep fasts for this. Also, she has said that when you get pregnant then take this ‘medicine’, which will ensure that your child is a boy.  

I did not have words to console Shreya. I wanted to protect her from superstitious beliefs which only make a woman’s life hell, but I was helpless. I just stood up and walked to the gate. But this time, I was not happy. Shreya was much higher than me in the corporate world, but now she will also endure the same pain which I did. Now she will also become the victim of superstitious beliefs. We both were two individuals but somehow victimised by the same mindset according to which a woman, irrespective of her status and education, is considered to be ‘complete’ only when she can become a mother.

It was a blend of reality with imagination but in this story some plots are true. 

Is there any IDEAL age to get married?

This was the day which Shivani never wanted to come to an end. She did not want to go back to her sweet home which was used to her abode to get some peace and happiness after a long tiring job. She took an auto outside her office and started her journey towards her home. Delhi- the city which is known for its traffic jam suddenly became less populated. Unlike other days, this time, there was no traffic on the road or may it was what Shivani thought! Though it took 2 hours for her to reach the home, Shivani still thought it’s too early!

Standing on her doorstep, her hands were shivering. She did not want to enter the home as she knew she was bombarded with the same questions which she was facing from the last one week. With a heavy heart, Shivani entered. Her father, who always welcomed her with a big smile, this time, was in an angry mood. While Shivani entered the kitchen to get some water, her mother started yelling and shouting, “Why do you not want to get married?"

Shivani was tired with the same question every day. This time she decided to counter her parents. “Why should I get married, when I don’t want to be”? Her parents were not ready for this reply, and so her father angrily told her, “Next year, I will retire, and you are 26, so this is the right time to get married otherwise soon you will not get any good boy. We will give you so much education and freedom so that you get a well-educated boy, but now you are misusing it”.  Her mother added, “Sharma’s daughter got married last month, she is younger to you.”

Is there any ideal age to get married, when Shivani was about to ask this question, suddenly her mother asked her, “Do you have a boyfriend with whom you want to get married? Listen we will not allow you to marry outside our caste."

These words were enough to shaken Shivani who was working as a manager in an MNC. She always wanted to earn a name for herself in the corporate world, and so she was not ready to take her mother’s words. Tears started rolling on her cheeks when she stood up and left the room and discussion in the mid-way. She came to her room when her father’s words fell on her ears, “Iss ladki ko jayda padaana hi nhi chayihe tha. College khatam hote hi shaadi kar dete to acha tha. Musibat hi khatam ho jati.”

Shivani was in her room when she was thinking, is getting married the only purpose in a girl’s life? All the education which her parents gave her, it was just so that she could get a good groom. Girls should get married below the age of 25 as it is good for her biological cycle- we all heard this thing in our daily lives, but what is the ideal age for a boy? No one dares to ask that!

Shivani wanted to achieve more success in her life but her parent’s words were enough to shatter her. She decided to give up and get married to the boy of her parent’s choice.

This is the real story of one my friends. Many of you would be against Shivani’s decision. Even I was not happy with her when she came to my house to invite me for her wedding. I fought with her and gave all advice which I heard on TV from our ‘women rights activists.” But when Shivani left, I realized how much pressure a girl faced in her life when it comes to her marriage. Sometimes it is the society which again and again advised her to get married as she is getting older day by day and sometimes it is the family, which emotionally blackmails her to get into marriage.

But no one understands that there is no ‘ideal’ age to get married. But yes, there should be an ‘ideal’ person for marriage. Unless and until you don’t find him, don’t get married. Marriage is finding a soul mate that would walk with you through ups and downs of life. But if you succumb to ‘marriage pressure’ and get married just for the heck of it, you will be leaving a life in which you would have a mate but not the soul mate!